The Rants of Mister P

The Precious

The geeks at work forced me to buy Shadowbane, essentially an internet version of Dungeons & Dragons. I've only been up playing to 3:00 a.m. a few times so far. Basically you run around forests and fight monsters. When you die, you get returned to your starting city, losing any treasure you may have found so far but usually keeping the shirt on your back. Well, lately I've been getting my butt kicked so badly that not only does my body die, but all my armor gets destroyed and I reappear nearly butt naked in the middle of town. Kind of embarrassing. So then I have to go running through the woods in my jockey shorts looking for gold so I can buy a pair of pants. Hardly dignified. But at least my abs never looked so good.

I got myself some schoolin' in The Lord Of The Rings this weekend. Write-ups are here (with pics), here (with spoofs), and here (without much).

Things I learned:

1. Aragorn is the heir to the throne of Gondor, and is the title character in "The Return of the King".
2. Elves are essentially immortal, or at least live VERY long.
3. Age of Mythology is much better than Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds.
4. Hobbits are more immune to the temptations of The Ring than are humans.
5. My boss is far more frightening than I ever gave him credit for.
6. The Nazgul have remarkable senses but are remarkably stupid.
7. Homemade beer can taste as good as "regular" beer.
8. Bilbo is Frodo's uncle.
9. My new friend Travis is terrible at giving directions.
10. Boromir just won't die, and Galadriel just won't shut up.

Behold my new computer. I shall be mocked no more.



What exactly are we looking at here? In the lower left, I am surfing the web. On the right, I am digitizing full-motion video from a VHS. I am launching Photoshop in the middle. And that background image? That's actually a DVD playing a full screen movie underneath all of my windows. All of this at the same time. There is not a single skipped frame or audio drop in the captured video. I'm impressed when I can get a Windows machine to do just ONE of these tasks.

My new computer is here! Out of the box and on the internet in 7 minutes, 45 seconds including registering the machine. Macs rock.

I still giggle to myself the more I think about this:

On Wednesday I went to the post office with someone who had to mail some packages. He went to the counter and handed the postal worker the shipments. She asked, "any hazardous materials?" He replied "no, thanks". I don't know why, but I find that hysterical.

Of course the big news from yesterday is that Al Gore has joined the Board of Directors of Apple Computer. And what's the first thing Al Gore did? He went down to the mail room and shipped out my new computer. Apple made their announcement around 3:00, and at 3:34 I received an email saying that my computer was on its way. You may recall that it was scheduled to ship as late as April 1st.

Al Gore rocks.

Seventeen Iraqi soldiers have already surrendered to U.S. troops, several hours before the U.S.-imposed deadline for Saddam Hussein. This is soooo tacky. If you're invited to a party that starts at 8:00, don't show up at 5:00. The host is going to be busy cooking, cleaning up the house, doing some last-minute errands and you're only going to get in the way. If you're a good friend, you might want to show up at 7:30 and offer to help with minor details like putting out the potato salad, but that's about it.

These soldiers were just plain rude.

Happy Deadline Day!

It's here. If Saddam Hussein doesn't book his reservations at Club Med by 8:00 EST tonight, we're going to bring the party to him. Now don't confuse THIS deadline with last Friday's deadline. Or the deadline from last week. Or the ones from December, January, and February. Or the deadlines from the '90s. No my friends, this is THE deadline. El deadline mas grande. Uber-deadline. The mother of all deadlines. The deadline to end all deadlines.

As the world braces for war, America is bracing for the Academy Awards. Iraqi civilians are stockpiling food and water as Hollywood celebrities struggle with the idea of not entering the theater on the Red Carpet.

I hear that the opening missile will be fired by Baseball Hall-of-Famer Sparky Anderson.

These anti-war protests are ridiculous. First we had major coverage of the student walkouts. That's right, these kids felt so strongly opposed to the war that they were willing to SKIP CLASS! Back in the radical 80s, we used to protest sunny days by skipping class. If these kids want to show their commitment, why don't they send all of their war-themed PlayStation games to the White House? Yeah, that will happen.

Then there was the worldwide "get naked for peace" protest. (That's PEACE, not piece). I don't understand how taking off your clothes dictates foreign policy (Clinton excepted). If the protest was sponsored by Sports Illustrated, then maybe it could be effective. But from what I saw, it looked like it was organized by Overeaters Anonymous. Put your pants back on buddy. Maybe the U.S. will put down its weapons if you put down that donut.

And could you protesters at least come up with some original signs and slogans? "Give Peace a Chance"? Sure, that worked 30 years ago when you were getting high sleeping with your best friend's sister, but how about showing some creativity out there. Go the extra mile.

Screw the First Ammendment. I say that before you join any anti-war protest, you should be required to point to Iraq on an unlabelled globe. If you can't do that, you should be sent home in your Lexus SUV to complain about paying $2.50 a gallon. I think the protest rallies would be cut in half if we required people to actually know what was going on.

I have to admit, I feel sorry for Monkey Boy... er, President Bush. He is simultaneously being accused of being simply a puppet of the Republican party AND forcing his own personal agenda upon the American people. Pick one. He can't be doing both. If you want to oppose the war, that's cool, but instead of going after the easy target of George Bush put forth the extra effort and attack Colin Powell or Condoleezza Rice. They look like pretty smart people to me, and they seem to support the war. But that would be hard work, so just go on with the Bush-Bashing.

Finally, from the "oh my God, I can't believe how stupid these people are" department, MSNBC has added an on-screen countdown clock ticking away the minutes until Sadam's 48 hours are up. Hey MSNBC, this is WAR not New Year's Eve.

I thought I was being clever by thinking that the threat of war with Iraq is like the Yosemite Sam cartoon where Bugs Bunny keeps saying "I dare you to step over this line!...Now that one!...This One!...That One!" I wanted to Blog it, so I did a google search to find a picture of Yosemite Sam. I came across blogger Viking Pundit, who already made the same analogy. He seems much smarter than I am.

So I need a new analogy. I think the upcoming war is like those coin machines in Las Vegas where you drop a dollar in and try to knock all the other coins into the collection bin. But no matter how much money you put in or how far over the edge the coins dangle, they never seem to fall in.

I like the Yosemite Sam analogy better, because eventually he falls off the cliff.

There is a very nice family from India living across the hall from me. I don't know them well, but we do the usual shallow elevator greetings. This morning, the woman came over and told me she was cooking Thai food and had a ton of leftovers, and asked if I would like some for lunch. Trying to be neighborly, I uttered the 5 words I never thought I'd say: "I'd love some Thai food." She returned 5 minutes later with a beautifully prepared plate of something. I recognized the rice, that was about it. I raved about how great it looked and smelled. I tried some of the rice, gave some of the meat to the cat, and then made myself a grilled cheese sandwich.

This was a wonderful gesture on her part. But I fear that this will become a more frequent event. She says she loves to cook, and seemed very excited for me to try her food... What happens if this becomes a regular thing? I can keep up the charade behind my closed door, but what if they ever invite me over for dinner?!

I have to move.

It's Oscar season, and the studios are putting out ads promoting their big movies. I realize I'm not the target audience for "The Hours", but come on; could there be a more stupid ad than this?



Maybe they felt they had to repeat themselves because their demographic would be too stupid to understand it the first time? Their demographic would be too stupid to understand it the first time, so maybe they felt they had to repeat themselves.

Here's the ad they should have run:

Holy Sheet

I learned an important lesson about corporate life yesterday: rank has its privileges.

I was working in the president's executive conference room and needed a piece of scrap paper to jot down some notes. My New Friend Travis pulled a sheet out of a nearby printer. He handed me the paper, and the world suddenly seemed to move in slow motion.

The paper - no, that's not the right word - the FABRIC glistened slightly in the afternoon sun. I thought I knew what the color white looked like, but now my eyes have to recalibrate the entire visual spectrum. My fingertips could not detect a single bump or imperfection as they caressed the glass-like surface of this 8 1/2 by 11 piece of Heaven.

I felt that my scribble of a VCR diagram would be unworthy of such a parchment. Surely, this material should be reserved for the likes of DaVinci or Gutenberg. But I had a job to do. My pen glided effortlessly across the sheet, as if the ink already knew where it was supposed to go. I never realized that all this time I've been writing memos on sandpaper.

There is a different world out there my friends… Pat tells me that executive toilet paper is lined with strands of silk; Someday, someday...

I have a confession, but you can't tell anyone. I like Celine Dion. OK, I fully admit that her original Titanic theme should have been called "My Song Will Go On and On...." Major snoozer. But there are some remixes out there that are totally tubular to the max. Yes, tubular. And her new song "I Drove All Night" is pretty kickin'. Yes, kickin'.

Now she has a new show in Vegas and I wanna go. They built a brand new theater for the show at Caeser's shaped like the Colloseum. How cool is that? The show is "a unique spectacle of song, theatre, dance and state-of-the-art technology" with the largest indoor LED screen in North America. I'm not exactly sure what all that means, but if it's got a giant TV it has to be good.

Ticket prices start around $100. My birthday is in July.

One annoying thing: it seems that corporate sponsorship requires the show to be called "A New Day...presented by Chrysler". It gets pretty silly having to read the full title over and over.

Buyer's Remorse

I finally ordered a new computer. Although I am always in a state of wanting a new machine, over the last 6-8 months I became serious about it. I did some major debt consolidation, not because it was fiscally responsible (although it was) but because it would free up space on my credit card to get a new computer. I down-graded some of internet service to save money to pay for the new computer. I've skipped over some much-needed car repairs (nothing safety-related) to save money. I've been shopping for a new desk for the new computer (to replace the formica kitchen table I found in my college apartment attic which I'm using now). Much of my life has been restructured to put all the pieces in place for that glorious moment when I went online and clicked "Purchase Now".

I don't want a new computer.

OK, that isn't exactly true. I do want one. I could argue I NEED one. But I have to wait 2-3 weeks before it will be shipped. In that time, I just KNOW they are going to release a new machine. Or discover a flaw in the new model. Maybe I should have waited until the summer Mac World to find out what new models are in the works. Maybe I could have found a better deal.

I think I would have felt better about it if the ordering process was more complicated. The more money you spend, the more work it should take. But I simply went to the Apple website, it remembered the configuration of the machine I selected months ago, and already had my credit card and shipping info from an order I made years ago. Basically, all I had to do was click on "continue" about 5-6 times and voila I had a new computer on its way. Putting it in perspective, that's about $500 a click. Ouch. It takes more effort to buy an 85-cent Snickers.

It is scheduled to ship "on or before April 1". We'll see.

Happy Unanniversary!

Good news! Today is the 18th month anniversary of September 11th. I haven't heard a thing about it. We "celebrated" anniversaries at 1 week, 2 weeks, 1, 2, 3 and 6 months, and 1 year. It looks like it's just an annual event now.

My Dealer hooked me up with some Girl Scout cookies. Peanut Butter Tagalongs. There are 15 in a box.

I ate the first 2 on my way to the elevator
I ate 2 IN the elevator.
I ate 6 in the car.
I ate 3 while cooking dinner, leaving 2 in the box.

It's not healthy to eat a large dessert, so I only had 2 cookies after dinner. I'm proud of myself for watching what I eat.

Damn Spamn

I have a 10-Megabyte online email inbox. This is my pay-email, not some freebie hotmail account. In one day, I received 3 Megs of spam. My email program does a pretty good job automatically throwing it out, but that's only after I go online to check my mail. So if I were to go away for a long weekend and not check my email, in 3 days my mailbox could fill up and I'd start losing legitimate mail. There HAS to be a class-action lawsuit in the making here. Unlike tradition junk mail, spam is going to actively prevent me from receiving the mail I want.

There is one upside to this: I found my new favorite spam subject line. One of the messages was "The Slut-Bus is Waiting".

I am declaring Shenanigans against the FOX network. For months they have been hyping "Married By America", where viewers would play matchmaker and then 2 people who never met would get married. Well, that's not exactly true. They don't have to get married. They just have to get engaged, or as FOX puts it "make the commitment of a lifetime". But if these people are shallow enough to be on a show like this, their engagement will mean nothing. So yes, what I'm saying is that the show isn't sleazy enough. Shenanigans.