Thursday, March 29, 2007

Ticket Master Disaster

When it comes to going to the movies, I am the Ticket Master. I make sure we get good seats in the theaters. I make sure we're on time. I put forth a lot of efort which many people take for granted to make sure we have the best movie-going experience possible. The only person who truly understands this art, and is even better than I am, is Travis.

I am ashamed at the things I did this weekend however. Dutch and I went to go see 300 n Saturday. There was a 7:30 show near his place. What time did we arrive? 6:45? 7:00? How about 7:25. We got to the theater 5 minutes before the movie started. Pitiful. And of course it was sold out.

We tried again on Sunday. There was a 4:30 showing in Pasadena. Dutch got stuck in traffic and didn't show up to my place until about 4. It's a 15 minute drive to Pasadena and I thought that was cutting it close so I suggested we go to a 4:50 showing in La Canada instead. It's not a nice theater, no stadium seating, but at least I knew we could make it. We arrived in plenty of time and had our choice of seats. My gut told me to take the two seats behind the wheelchair-seating area. It's a wide-open space that never gets used so you don't have to worry about who is sitting in front of you. We sat down, but then I second-guessed myself and thought it felt a little TOO open so we moved to a different row. Naturually, 5 minutes later two giants sat in front of us and our previous seats were taken by then. We were stuck.

During the previews, we were told FOUR TIMES to turn off our cel phones. It was ridiculous. I even complained to Dutch "why do they keep saying it over and over?" "Some people need that much reminding." And sure enough, what happened: Right before the big climatic finale, I hear a cel phone go off: RRRRIIIINNNNGGGG. Idiot. Odd how it kind of sounds like my phone.
RRRRIIIINNNNGGGG. It couldn't possibly be MY phone?! RRRRIIIINNNNGGGG. Oh my god, where is my phone?!! RRRRIIIINNNNGGGG.

Yes, I was the moron who had his cel phone go off during a movie. And it rang 4 times before going to voicemail. I was mortified. When the movie was over, I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I couldn't bear to have to face the well-deserved scowls from the people whose movie-going experience I had ruined.

I have failed you, Travis-San.


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Friday, March 23, 2007

Ow, but not THAT Ow

I've had a plantars wart on my foot for several years. Last year, I had it removed. It grew back. A few months ago, I had it removed again. It grew back. I am now on my 3rd treatment. To recall, first the doctor gouges out the flesh with a scalpel, then he soaks it in flesh-eating acid for a week, then he freezes it with a liquid nitrogen gun - PFFFFFTTT! - to kill the virus and any nearby skin cells. The nitrogen hurts quite a bit; he zaps it right on all of the newly exposed flesh under the skin.

I went in for the deep freeze first thing in the morning, and we're chatting as he's zapping me - PPPFFFFTTTT!:

"Wow, that will really wakes me up!"

"You know what REALLY wakes you up?...PPPFFFFTTTT!...I'm the only male doctor in the area...PPPFFFFTTTT! all of the men have to come to me to take care of their genital warts...PPPFFFFTTTT!"

"Wait a minute... You're telling me you use LIQUID NITROGEN on genital warts?"


After that, my foot didn't seem to hurt so much any more.


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Monday, March 19, 2007


Everybody hates spam, but seriously: how often does it REALLY create a problem for you? You check your email, delete a few annoying Nigerian messages, and move on. This past week, my email started acting slow. I would check my mail, and the program would just sort of hang. It certainly couldn't be a problem with my Mac, so I assumed it was a temporary issue on the remote side. After several days of having the same problem, I discovered that there was nothing wrong with my mail at all: it was just taking a long time to download all of the messages, which were automatically moved into my Junk Mail folder. How many messages? On Saturday alone, I recieved over thirteen THOUSAND spam messages. Looking back, I was getting on the order of 10,000 spam messages daily. It was taking several hours for me to check my mail.

Spammers should have every message they've ever sent printed out and stuffed down their throats.


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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Dirty Dirty Snow

I spent a week skiing in Utah. Here are the

Top Ten Ski Slope Names Which You Might Find in an Adult Video Store

10. Big Stick
9. First Temptation
8. Climax
7. Shauna's Secret
6. Madam Annie's
5. Organ Grinder
4. Sam's Knob
3. Norwegian Wood
2. Beaver Slide
1. Glory Hole


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