The Rants of Mister P

I found something amazing, and you can't possibly understand its significance.

25 years ago, I saw a TV show about a guy with magic powers. When he used his abilities, his pupils would shrink. That was just his thing. Jeannie bobbed her head, Samantha twitched her nose, this guy shrunk his pupils. I don't remember anything else about the show, but for some reason the image of his eye has been burned in my memory for 25 years. I see that pupil in my mind all the time. When I step outside into sunlight it pops in my head. I see it looking in the mirror putting in my contacts. I can't imagine how many thousands of times it has been replayed in my brain over and over and over.

You see where this is headed. Last week I saw a TV special "The Greatest Shows You Never Saw" and it featured clips of some of the worst TV pilots made that never made it to series. One show from 1977 looked particularly stupid. It was called "The Man With The Power". While rescuing a turtle from a railroad track (I'm not making this up), a man gets his foot stuck as a train comes towards him. He discovers he has telekinetic powers and stops the train. The TV special showed clips of him practicing using his new-found powers when all of a sudden they showed...THE EYE! Oh my god! THERE IT IS!

I am still trying to understand the importance of this discovery. What insight does this give me? Why did that image stay with me? Is the eye a window to my soul? Did I feel sympathy for the turtle, for are we not all turtles on the railroad of life? Am I actually an alien with untold powers? The quest has not ended, it has just begun.

If you are feeling brave, you can look at this 80 second summary of THE MAN WITH THE POWER (1.8 MB, .mov). The eye sequence is at the end, complete with cheesey 70s sound effect which often accompanies my flashbacks. If you just want a 10 second glimpse inside my brain, click on the eye above.

Christmas is over. I still have cards and packages to ship out, and shopping to do. But I am less stressed because I am getting sick. Over the past week I have been surviving primarily on a diet of Mountain Dew, Peanut Butter, and Hershey's Kisses. It's a sugar crash, so I just don't care about the holiday stress any more. I just want to sleep.

One of the nice things about the building I live in is that it has a recreation room with a Universal gym setup, treadmill, stationary bike, and locker rooms with showers and sauna. Does this help you get in shape? No, but in a pinch you can sneak down and steal a roll of toilet paper.

I'm just saying.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Saturday night I went to the Christian Bookstore to buy a Christmas present for my one-year-old godson. Outside was a homeless man exploiting Christian charity asking for money. Like all good Americans this holiday season, I avoided eye contact and walked right on by. He wasn't there when I left the store, but I was thinking about how dismissive all of us can be towards the homeless. I dropped off my purchases in the car and decided I would go back and give this guy some money.

By the time I got back to the store (I was parked a block away) he had returned. I came up to him and handed him what I would consider a very generous donation. He started chatting for a while, which I didn't want to do, but at the same time I'm thinking in my head "don't be dismissive. don't be dismissive." His name is Daniel, his story is that he used to make shoes back in the old day but then his shop burned down. While we're talking, two policemen come up to us. "Sir, we need to have a word with you." Of course, I'm always feeling guilty so I say "ME?!" "No sir, YOU need to move along so we can talk to him." I felt bad for the guy and I didn't want the police to think I was being bothered, so I tried to help out by asking "Is there some sort of problem?" "Yes sir, there is. You need to leave. NOW." I could tell he meant business, so I said goodbye to Daniel and left. Why is The Man trying to bring me down so much lately?

Soapbox: OK, some of you are saying "you should never give money to the homeless, you don't know if they're just going to take it and buy booze." You're right. We don't know. But sometimes the receiving of the money isn't as important as the act of us giving it. And if you don't understand that, then you'll never carve the Roast Beast. People who say "they're going to buy booze" are just looking for an excuse to be cheap.

I'm living in a hotel.

The floor guys are starting to paint or glue or so whatever it is that takes a day to dry, and you can't walk on it. Since I only have one door into my condo, unless you're Spider-man you can't get into the place. And it's going to take 3 coats. And they can't work Sunday. All of my friends either have dogs or alergies, and they don't mix well with a cat. So I'm in a hotel room with The Cat. I'm completely taking over.



Christmas is in 5 days. It's not a good time not be able to go home. I won't have full access until Christmas Eve.

The floor is looking OK so far.

Update: I can't find my wallet. That's nothing unusual, I lose it all the time. But today is our company pot-luck lunch, and I needed to run out to the store and grab some food. I emptied out all the loose change from my desk, went to the store, and counted out 28 quarters and 43 dimes at the checkout.

For those of you who have been keeping score, without my wallet I am now driving around with no registration, no insurance, and no license.

Stress Level:


I need to take my car to the insurance company for an inspection before they will write me a policy.

I am putting a new custom pseudo-hardwood floor in my kitchen. The installer came today, and the wood looks to be the wrong color. It won't match the cabinets like it was supposed to.

I had to empty out the refrigerator so the floor could be put in. I have 4 bags of frozen string beans and Eggo's at work I'm trying to keep solid. Why didn't I simply roll the refrigerator into the living room and plug it in there? I don't know.

Damn Christmas shopping. One week to go. I got basically nothing.

The car saga continues.

It seems that not only was I driving around with an expired registration, but apparently I have no insurance, either. I just got a check sent back to me from the insurance company for $377. I sent it in too late, and they won't accept it. Who woulda thunk that they'd turn away money? My coverage expired October 28, and I guess they just hate me and won't automatically reinstate me.

Word to the wise: If I ever offer to drive you anywhere, refuse.

My Blog Mentor has a plan to Help Trent Lott Resign. He wants everyone to send a pen to Lott's office so Trent can sign the resignation. Hysterical. But I'm becoming a cranky old man and in this world of anthrax scares I can't fully endorse sending joke mail to the Senate. Still, I must recognize the brilliance of the idea.

This is why he is the Master and I am but a student.

Some TV entries:


If you're familiar with "The Year Without A Santa Claus", you probably think the names of the Miser brothers are Heat Miser and Cold Miser. But you are wrong. They are Heat Miser and SNOW Miser. I don't care how much you think you're right, you're not.



I sort of know Jennifer Celotta, who is a writer/producer for the Andy Richter Show. I don't KNOW HER know her, but I think that if she was driving down the street and I was in the crosswalk, she would slow down and not hit me. Anyway, it's just cool seeing people's name on TV that you've crushed in Trivial Pursuit. (That may or may not be true.)

And finally, this week on the Simpsons, the family goes to a maximum security prison to meet Sideshow Bob, who has tried to kill Bart many times in the past. Their comments are Mister P.'s Clip Of The Week. (approx. 550kb QuickTime Movie)

STOP. DO NOT CONTINUE READING UNTIL YOU SEE THURSDAY'S ENTRY, RIGHT BELOW THIS ONE.

OK, so you know the story about me being pulled over Wednesday night on the way to the Peter Gabriel concert. Well, as fate would have it on Thursday night I was with my other accomplice DJ and I got pulled over AGAIN in Altadena. This time, I was a little more prepared. The cop came up to my window, and before he could say "license & registration" I just jumped right in: "is this about the expired registration? Yeah, I just got a ticket for it last night and I'm taking care of it." I threw out most of the glove-compartment junk after Wednesday's ordeal, so without blinking I just reached in there again and pulled out the ticket. He went back to his car to do the mandatory running-of-the-plates. DJ was amazed at how bright the spotlight was shining on the car, and kept pointing at the windshield to show how much was light was being reflected back into the car. I had to stop him, because if we draw too much attention to the windshield the cop might notice that where my rear-view mirror is supposed to be, there is no rear-view mirror. We got away scott-free, no ticket.

I've been driving around with expired plates for 6 months. Then in one week, I get busted for it 3 times. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe I should do something about it.

A funny thing happened on the way to the Peter Gabriel concert.

I was driving around downtown Los Angeles with my accomplice Diana, trying to navigate the confusing maze of one-way streets that never head in the right direction. I came within one block of Staples Center when a cop pulls up behind me. He plays his little siren and flashes all sorts of red and blue lights on my car, just to make sure that the 30,000 people heading to the concert can all see that they've captured a hardened criminal.

I was stuck at a light in the left-hand turn lane. So was I supposed to abort the turn and just pull over to the right? I started to do that, but then realized I'd have to cross 2 or 3 lanes of traffic. Probably not the safest thing to do. I had my left blinker on, then my right, then my left. I'm not sure what to do. But somehow I want to let the cop know that "yes, I see you, I know you want me to pull over but that just isn't convenient for me at the moment. Let me get back to you." I just sat there waiting for the light to turn green. And waited. And waited. Time never moves more slowly than when you're trying to figure out why you're about to be busted by a cop.

I finally managed to make the turn and pull over. This kid comes up to my window and askes for my license and registration. I say "kid" because I'm sure he's 10 years younger than me. Punk. I gave him my license but couldn't find the registration. I start going through all the junk in my glove compartment, handing every scrap of paper to Diana. I give her my Cat's last vet bill "Is this the registration?" A brochure for Mexican insurance. "Is this it?" In my mind, I am quite proud of myself for acting so calmly, because I know that the last thing you want to do is look nervous in front of a police officer. Apparently he had a different impression, and tells me "there's no need to be nervous, sir." Ever helpful and supportive, Diana tells the officer, "oh no, you don't him." Thanks a lot.

It seems that the registration stickers on my car have expired. Oh yeah, I remember I was supposed to take care of that. In fact, they expired in May. And I was reminded of this last week when I got a $25 parking ticket for having expired stickers. I need to do something about that. The cop tells me that because the stickers are more than 3 months overdue, he could have my car towed. But he keeps assuring me over and over that he's NOT going to do it, he just COULD. But he WON'T. I think he was trying to be reassuring and calm me down, but why? I'm not nervous. I'm not. What do I have to be nervous about? Nothing. Nope. Not a thing.

I wind up giving him what was probably an expired insurance card and my license and he goes back to his car. He's gone a long time. A LONG time. Never a good sign. As we look around at the $20 parking lots all around us, Diana suggests that "if we let them tow the car, we won't need to worry about parking!" We were meeting friends at the concert, so we easily could have gotten a ride home. We decide not to follow through with that option.

A police officer comes back to my window, but this time it's his partner. A woman, also probably 10 years younger than me. Punkette. She is very pleasant, and I think that he sent her to talk to me because I'm so nervous and she'll have a more soothing effect. But I'm not nervous. I'm not. She starts explaining the ticket she's giving me but to be honest I'm not really paying attention. I just want her to go away. Diana happens to glance out her window and sees the original punk cop with a flashlight trying to search the inside of the car. Probably looking for all the drugs and booze I have stashed back there, which would explain why I was so nervous. Which I wasn't.

Once I realize that I'm probably not going to jail, I figure I might as well take advantage of having a cop handy. I ask her how I can get to the main parking area. She tells me to go down half a block and make a U-turn at the light, then go back 2 blocks. It's kind of a busy street, so I want to confirm that I can in fact make a U-Turn there. She asks her partner "he can make a U-turn, right" "yeah, should be fine." I'm not entirely convinced, and I risk a little humor. I tell her "OK, I'm going to go to that light there and make a U-turn, and you're not going to give me another ticket, right?" "No, you'll be OK." I drove away without incident.

Oh yeah, good concert. More on that later.

Life Goals

Setting life goals for yourself is important. Where do you see yourself in 6 months? A year? 10 years? Maybe you want to get a certain job. Maybe you want to lose weight. Maybe you want to get married. As for me, I have a new goal: To become a TiVo Star Subscriber.

TiVo selects customers to be featured on their website. Right now, their Star Subscriber is little 6 year old Rachel. Her parents are so proud because she can find Barney on TiVo. Look sweetheart, you don't need a freaking TiVo to find Barney. They only play it 37 times a day. Or you could just pop in one of the two dozen videotapes you have thrown all around the living room and watch Barney Goes to Camp for the 300th time. Why don't you try to find the 1972 Russian-language version of Solaris? That's what I'm doing with MY TiVo.

Enjoy your reign while it lasts, missy. You're going down. I will become the TiVo Star Subscriber and then people will see what a REAL couch potato is like.

Choosing a place to live is a huge decision. There are many factors to consider: East coast or West coast? City or Suburb? Mountains or Beach? House or Apartment? Well, I have finally figured out where I want to live someday: I want to live in a Gap commercial. These are some of the happiest people I have ever seen. They put on their comfy sweaters and coordinated over-sized scarfs and they can't help but do dances of joy. I wish I could do a dance of joy.



The problems we're having in the Middle East have nothing to do with oil or land or religion. It's all about sweaters. They don't wear sweaters in Iraq or Afghanistan, or at least not the color-safe cotton blends at savings up to 30% off like we have here. Instead of setting up military bases in the Middle East, we should set up some Gaps. Then truly, people all over the world would join hands, join a love train.

You have no idea how annoyed I am right now.

Today I heard about a new cable channel called "Trio" which is doing a month-long stunt called "Brilliant But Cancelled". They are airing old TV shows which got rave reviews but short life-spans. Included in the list are two of my favorite cult-worthy shows: Action!, a comedy starring Jay Mohr as a ruthless movie producer, and "Profit", a very dark drama about a murderous corporate executive. I was very excited to see both shows again, and was willing to pay a few bucks if I needed to add it to my channel line-up.

As it turns out, I already get Trio on DirecTV. This is my lucky day! Or so I thought, until I actually turned on Trio.

They have, by far, the most annoying, obnoxious, intrusive channel branding I have ever seen. The giant red ball that screams TRIO! isn't enough for them; the colored lines on the bottom of the screen strobe back and forth... over and over... changing colors, lengths, positions, throughout the entire show. I get transfixed by them: why won't they stop? Please make them stop. Make them go away. Please? I can't take them anymore. The only way to make them stop is to change the channel. So I'd switch over to UPN for a while and then come back, thinking that maybe if they knew I wasn't watching, they wouldn't bother to keep dancing all the time. But No! They are omni-present, forever taunting me. I wound up strapping some duct tape to the bottom of the screen. It actually works pretty well:cheap, instant letterbox. I'm sending the pictures to Trio.

I am wearing fresh-from-the-dry-cleaners pants. The pleats are still crisp. And I am covered in cat hair. In the 15 minutes or so it took me from putting on my pants to leaving for work this morning, somehow The Cat managed to cloak me in fur. Of course, the pants are black. The worst part of this is that I've been walking around work for the past 90 minutes with fur all over my butt.

I see all those hair-removal commercials on TV... would that work on a cat?

I spent Thanksgiving at my cousins house. They recently added two new bedrooms to the house for their 7-year-old twins, my godchildren. Kayla showed me her room first, and was very excited to show off her closet where she kept all her toys. Then Cody wanted to show me what he had in his closet. He slid open the door to reveal a crumpled up magazine ad taped to the inside wall: the ad featured a woman in a skimpy bikini. Being his Godfather, I felt it was my duty to set him upon the proper moral path. I told the 7-year-old "you shouldn't objectify women like that." There, my job is done.

Pop Geography Quiz

Which of the following U.S. cities is the largest by population?

Boston Massachussetts
Seattle Washington
Washington D.C.
Baltimore Maryland
Denver Colorado
Louisville Kentucky

Would you believe that as of January, the answer is Louisville?! They're doing some sort of wacky rezoning in Kentucky, and Louisville will jump from number 66 to the 16th largest U.S. city. How does a state that just got indoor plumbing a decade ago have a city bigger than Washington D.C.? (sorry, cheap shot against Travis) But seriously, it amazes me how distorted our perspective can be. We assume that cities in the news are naturally big, but that isn't always the case.