The Rants of Mister P

It is 4:00 in the morning. I have been in bed for 4 hours, not sleeping.

I came home from work yesterday completely exhausted for some reason. Flu? SARS? Mad Cow? I have no idea. I fell asleep on the couch for about an hour and did something to my lower back; it's tight and sore. I still have a bit of a bruised rib from snowboarding which hurts when I breathe deeply, sneeze, or twist in any way. I can't sleep on my back because of the couch pain, and I can't sleep on my stomach because of the rib pain. So for the past 4 hours I have been trying in vain to pad myself with pillows in the proper configuration that will protect my body enough so I can endure the strenuous activity of sleeping.

I am old.

Thank you, Steve.

My Big Fat Dumb Show

FOX has this new reality show where a woman has to pretend she's engaged to a complete slob; if she can get her entire family to attend the wedding in two weeks, she wins one million dollars. That's what the commercial says, that's what the website says. Then why, when the show airs, is she told that she'll win HALF a million dollars? It's not even good trash TV.

I went snowboarding for the first and last time this weekend.

I am a skier. And I admit, I am a Snowboard Bigot. I hate snowboarding, I hate snowboarders. I hate their stupid clothes, their pierced lips, the stupid noise they listen to that they call "music". I hate the way they engage in strenuous physical activity in thin air at 12,000 feet and plop in the snow to light up a cigarette. Even professional snowboarders look ridiculous: a walrus is an excellent swimmer, but put him on land and he's just a pathetic sack of blubber flopping around. That's what snowboarers are. Sure, they may look sort of cool when actually going down the hill, but have them stop or get in the lift line and they are nothing more than pathetic sacks of blubber. Still, I recognize that this "sport" is growing in popularity and it is something I have wanted to try, if for no other reason than to say "yes I tried it, yes I hate it."

The proper (and difficult) way to board down a mountain is by making graceful s-curves. The easier way, what I was mostly doing, is to zig-zag back-and-forth across the slope. My friend compared it to the motion a leaf makes falling off a tree. That didn't sound very hardcore to me, so I said that if I have to be a leaf, I'm going to be a leaf... TO THE EXTREME! I am Poison Sumac! My radical boarder-dude name is Sumac 'cuz I'm dangerous to the touch. My "friend" pointed out that Sumac is irritating and you don't want it around. But he doesn't understand what it means to be hardcore... TO THE EXTREME!

In all modesty I think I did fairly well for my first day. After a couple runs I ventured off the bunny slope on to a "real" trail, and made a reasonably graceful dismount from the chair lift about 50% of the time. Although I'm no expert, I feel I've experienced it enough to reaffirm my disdain for the entire snowboard culture. You may say "but Mister P... if you tried it a bit more and became better, you might enjoy it more". At $80 a day, I don't think so. Been There. Shredded That.

My mother is quite familiar with my... "issues" when it comes to flying. She called me up today, laughing hysterically. She wanted to know what I thought about the flight she was about to book: She's flying Memorial Day Weekend (strike 1), on American Airlines (strike 2), leaving Boston (strike 3) arriving in Washington D.C. (strike 4).

There is not enough alcohol in all of Los Angeles that would get me on that plane.

I'm watching "Angels in America" on HBO. I have no idea what it is about, but I know it's getting a lot of really good buzz. It might be a sports show about the Anaheim Angels, it might be a fantasy about Angels coming down to earth, or maybe "Angels" simply describes some do-gooders in the movie. All I know is that during the credits when they're listing the cast, it says "and James Cromwell". My first reaction was "oh no! The Bishop's back! NOT THE BISHOP!"

I don't know what part he plays, but he better not be wearing a funny hat.

Addendum: I'm 14 minutes into the show, and Mary Louise Parker just came on screen. I didn't recognize her name in the credits, but she's the annoying girl on The West Wing. She just said "People are like planets... you need a thick skin." Ugh. She is stupid in any role.

Addendum Addendum: Wow, I've seen better crap in a Chilli Cook-Off Port-A-Potty. Just plain awful.

I tried cleaning out my closet. These are my socks! I hate my socks. I have too many damn socks. I made 62 pairs out of this mess, and that's not counting the 40 or so strays or torn ones I'm throwing out.



These are my hangers! I hate my hangers. I have too many damn hangers. These are the left-over hangers after everything else was hung up.

I hate being disorganized, and I hate organizing. It is the ever-downward-spiraling-cycle of existance.

I'm almost too mortified to type this, I'd rather just forget.

I was at a New Year's Eve party last night and speaking to a woman ("Kelly") I've met a few times before. She is an absolute saint: she took in a teenage couple and their 2-year old daughter to live with her to help them get on their feet. The little girl was at the party, and was as cute as could be. I blew up some balloons for her and she was running around the room with them in complete delight. When Kelly told me the little girl was only 2, I was surprised. I said "Only two? She's so open and friendly I assumed she'd be uglier." UGLIER?! I said "uglier" instead of "older". I have no idea where that came from. I corrected myself and tried to recover, but at that point there was really nothing I could do.