Sunday, January 18, 2004

I went snowboarding for the first and last time this weekend.

I am a skier. And I admit, I am a Snowboard Bigot. I hate snowboarding, I hate snowboarders. I hate their stupid clothes, their pierced lips, the stupid noise they listen to that they call "music". I hate the way they engage in strenuous physical activity in thin air at 12,000 feet and plop in the snow to light up a cigarette. Even professional snowboarders look ridiculous: a walrus is an excellent swimmer, but put him on land and he's just a pathetic sack of blubber flopping around. That's what snowboarers are. Sure, they may look sort of cool when actually going down the hill, but have them stop or get in the lift line and they are nothing more than pathetic sacks of blubber. Still, I recognize that this "sport" is growing in popularity and it is something I have wanted to try, if for no other reason than to say "yes I tried it, yes I hate it."

The proper (and difficult) way to board down a mountain is by making graceful s-curves. The easier way, what I was mostly doing, is to zig-zag back-and-forth across the slope. My friend compared it to the motion a leaf makes falling off a tree. That didn't sound very hardcore to me, so I said that if I have to be a leaf, I'm going to be a leaf... TO THE EXTREME! I am Poison Sumac! My radical boarder-dude name is Sumac 'cuz I'm dangerous to the touch. My "friend" pointed out that Sumac is irritating and you don't want it around. But he doesn't understand what it means to be hardcore... TO THE EXTREME!

In all modesty I think I did fairly well for my first day. After a couple runs I ventured off the bunny slope on to a "real" trail, and made a reasonably graceful dismount from the chair lift about 50% of the time. Although I'm no expert, I feel I've experienced it enough to reaffirm my disdain for the entire snowboard culture. You may say "but Mister P... if you tried it a bit more and became better, you might enjoy it more". At $80 a day, I don't think so. Been There. Shredded That.

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