The Rants of Mister P

Crapola

I had to buy a new box of crayons to write a story for Neoprene Wedgie. Imagine my horror when I opened the box and saw this:



Eight of the crayons had broken tips. That's a full 1/3 of the box. Either we didn't care about broken crayons as kids (doubtful) or they just ain't makin' crayons the way they used to.

And now a word from our sponsors...

Neoprene Wedgie has a cartoon:

Pain in the Class

Flying First Class isn't all it's cracked up to be. I got upgraded again, but this time the flight was on a new, large, 777. Such a pain. If I wanted to get something out of the seat-pocket in front of me, I had to get up out of my seat; the pocket was too far away to reach. In Coach, everything is right there in front of you. Also, I brought a book to read but the chair wasn't conducive to reading. When I extended the electronically-controlled footrest and put the chair in "Sleep" configuration, I was laying too far back to be able to read comfortably. I could barely see the personal TV. About the only thing I could do was take a nap.

You peasants in the back of the cabin have no idea how good you have it. Now shut up and gimme my wine and animal crackers.

Vacation Photos

Great. Just great.

Flight Excite

I can never fly again.

I am at 37,000 feet on my way to Orlando. I pretty much only fly Delta, because they have the lowest "Flight Fatality Events" of the major airlines. (Yes, Quantas, Southwest & JetBlue are better, but they don't go to DisneyWorld easily.) Anyway, through the Frequent Flyer program I got a free upgrade to First Class.

Oh. My. God.

It's true, rich people ARE better than the rest of us. I'm getting juice and hot towels and extra butter for my bagel. Leaning back in my seat, I can not reach the seat in front of me. Somehow, even the turbulence seems less. The flight attendents keep coming back asking me if I want more drinks or snacks... I believe I am the only person on the plane downing Animal Crackers with a White Wine chaser.

Sadly, I will be packed in with the commoners on the way back.

Perhaps I am not afraid of flying after all; I'm just afraid of the riff-raff.

Several people expressed... concern... regarding the rainbow I posted. So I made it more masculine.

Of all the colors in the rainbow, I believe the transition between yellow and green is the most harsh.

Dewd!

It's not what you know, but who you know.

As you may very well know, I LOVES me my Mountain Dew. In recent years, Mountain Dew has branded itself to be part of the "Extreme" culture - promoting snowboarding, Tony Hawk, BMX, etc. These aren't exactly my people. But T-Bone registered to go to the E3 videogame convention and was selected to receive samples of a brand new flavor of Mountain Dew! (I'm out training for a triathlon while he's sitting on the couch playing Spider-man on an X-Box and he's more extreme. Go figure.)

T-Bone got a six pack of "Mountain Dew Variation 516" and very generously gave me a can to sample. When I looked at the nutrition information, at first I thought it was going to be a new Diet Dew; after all, it said "120 calories" and regular Dew has 170. But then I saw the serving size, and the new 14 oz. can contains TWO servings. That's equal to 205 calories in a regular 12 oz. can. Glad to see they're not going after the low-carb wusses (55g vs. 46g).

The New Dew (center) is essentially a cross between regular Mountain Dew and Simple Green All-Purpose Cleaner:



Here's a closer look: New Dew on left, 50-50 mix of Plain Dew and Simple Green on right:



Oddly enough, the nutritional value of New Dew increases when mixed with the household cleanser.

I don't know what to call the flavor. I'm not good at picking adjectives for tastes. It's not lime, I don't know what it is. I will say that it is zazzier than regular Dew. Yes, zazzier.

Product testers can submit ideas for the new flavor, and Mountain Dew never has boring names. They don't use flavors like "cherry" or "orange" or "grape"; they have "Code Red" "Live Wire" and "Pitch Black". You want a name that sounds cool, refreshing, and in this case, green. My proposal is "Mountain Dew: Alpine Blitz".

Thriller

A while ago I diagnosed myself as being pregnant based upon some discolorations on my face. Well, two years later I finally went to the doctor to find out whether or not I was getting cancer or whatever. Well, i'm not, but I do have melasma and now I have a prescription for skin bleach.

So I'm not pregnant, I'm just turning into Michael Jackson. I'm not sure which is worse.