The Rants of Mister P

It's a freakin' TV Guide. They're going to get my money anyway, they don't need to try to hype it up:

The $%*#iest Place On Earth

"Disney's California Adventure", the new theme park next to Disneyland, has a Broadway-style show called "Blast". I have not seen it. I was at DCA and one of the workers (or "castmemebers", as they like to be called) is yelling down the street "last call for the 7:15 show of Blast!" We ran to the glass doors, and right as we get up to them, a crazy castmember lady is on the other side of the door frantically trying to lock the door and not let us in. The two castmembers on the outside are trying to tell her "let these people in, they're RIGHT HERE!" but she just ignored them. Then one of the castmembers of The Happiest Place on Earth says "what a bitch!" Wow, they really make you feel like you're in Hollywood!

There are plenty of exciting and even thrilling rides at Disneyland and DCA: Space Mountain, Indiana Jones, and more recently the Maliboomer and California Screamin'. But now matter how much a thrill-seeker you are, I am warning you: stay away from The Damn Teacups. You would not believe how fast 2 grown adults can get that dainty little porcelin replica spinning. This is how bad it was: I didn't realize the ride was over for about 5 seconds AFTER the ride stopped. I can still feel a slight throbbing in my temples.

OJ Simpson is to Osama bin Laden as Osama bin Laden is to Hitler.

Given our current hatred for bin Laden, how can we possibly conceive just how evil Hitler truly was?

How much is that doggie in the gas chamber?

For 10 months, the United States military has been devastating Afghanistan, in an attempt to erradicate terrorism. Yet our primary target, Osama bin Laden, still eludes us. The world's greatest military force combined with the most technologically advanced intelligence the world has ever known has been unable to locate bin Laden. But that is about to change.

As if we didn't have enough reasons to go after al Qaeda, now we find out they're puppy killers.



This means that the U.S. will be releasing a far more deadlier force in its War On Terror: PETA.
al Qaeda might be able to survive Stealth Bomber runs, but they're no match for crazed vegetarians.

They're coming after you, bin Laden. And they're wearing faux fur.



(special thanks to the crazy lady in the office for coming up with this military strategy.)

Would you like that in tens and twenties?

Sometimes, sadly, you just have to accept that the world is a cruel place. Familes of 9/11 victims are filing a $116 trillion lawsuit against foreign banks and companies that paid for al Qaeda activites. Their goal is to bankrupt terrorism. Putting it in perspective, the money they are asking for is about 20 times the amount of the U.S. National Debt.

That sounds nice on paper, but at some point you have to ask yourself "how likely is this to happen?" Let's assume for just a minute that yes, they win a verdict. Is the National Bank of Terrorism simply going to say "Oops. My bad. Here's a check." And how long would it take to actually receive $116 trillion from terrorist-friendly banks? It takes me about 6 months to get a $29 refund from the DMV.

These families have suffered far more than the rest of America. But putting their energies into a lawsuit which can do nothing but drag out for decades is not the way for them to get peace.

Besides, after taxes it will only be about $50 trillion, and that isn't what it used to be.

Why won't Elvis leave the building?

Elvis is on the cover of TV Guide this week. Not just once. They have multiple covers so you can "collect them all!" I have nothing personal against The King, but the name of the magazine is TV GUIDE. It is supposed to a be a GUIDE to TELEVISION. Elvis was NOT a TV star.

This part of a long line of stupid cover stories that TV Guide has done recently: Harry Potter. Lord of the Rings. Star Wars. Dale Earnhardt. These may all be interesting topics, but they don't belong as cover stories for a TV magazine. Do Sports Illustrated subscribers get stuck with cover stories on The Backstreet Boys?

AMBER ALERT!

So I'm watching TV last night and a special news ticker starts scrolling across the bottom of the screen. It says that an Amber Alert has been issued for Los Angeles. Now I have no idea what an Amber Alert is. But it sounds like part of that rediculous "Homeland Security Advisory System", where the government issues a color code to tell you how frightened you should be. (By the way, we are currently "Yellow") As far as I know, the nation has been at Yellow alert since the system was put in place. So when I see that Los Angeles is now "Amber", I start to worry.

As it turns out, Amber is not a color. It's the name of a little girl who was kidnapped and killed in 1996. Named after her, "Amber Alerts" are issued by California as a quick way to get information out to the public about a missing child. Sadly, a 4-year-old girl was reported missing.

I'm all for turning to the media to solve crimes like this. But issuing alerts that people have never heard of can really wake you up.

Let's hope Jessica Cortez is found quickly, alive and well.

Harvesting stem cells from aborted cloned human fetuses: What's the big deal?


CNN.com has an interview with a couple who are planning to have a baby through cloning. I'm all for cloning research, and someday we WILL be cloning babies. I think we are least 10 years before the technology will be advanced enough to safely attempt cloning humans, so this couple is jumping the gun. But I hate seeing newspeople who don't understand the issues try to impose their own views or go for oversensationalizing a story.

The couple, Bill & Kathy, were interviewed by Michael Guillen.

"GUILLEN: Bill and Kathy want a baby so badly, they're going to have one cloned, using her DNA. It means flying in the face of huge public, political, religious and scientific opposition. But they don't care. "

BILL: It's a concern, absolutely.

Right off the bat Guillen is trying to portray the couple as uncaring. I personally don't agree with what they are trying, but they are definitely concerned about the child and public reaction.


GUILLEN: What if she just gets angry at you? Why did you bring me into the world this way, I'm a freak? I'm completely different than any other human being who has ever lived on the face of the earth. Are you prepared that this child could be angry at you for bringing her into the world this way?

Huh? A cloned child will only think they're a freak if people like Guillen call her a freak. Every child at some point in their life hates their parents for bringing them into the world. It's called teenageitis. If anything, this child would have it better off if some ways: Would you rather hear your parents tell you about the laboratory where they did the cloning procedure, or about the sleezy hotel room where they did the nasty in a drunken stupor? And here's the irony: Guillen says that this child will be completely different than any other human being who has ever lived. HELLO? Do you know what a clone IS? It means she's an exact COPY of another human.

Bill & Kathy say that if there are complications during the pregnancy, they will abort and will donate the stem cells for research. I can't wait to hear that interview.

Mini Rant

This freaking fire has been burning for over 2 weeks now. I'm sick of it. Just get it over with already. It's supposed to be funny, remember?

Anna Nicole Smith

Oh... dear... God...

I admit it. I like train wrecks. And so do you. So when we heard about this summer's biggest train wreck, The Anna Nicole Show, we all got excited. The engine has been chugging down the tracks all summer long, and it finally slipped off the rails last night. So, was it offensive by talking about sex so much? Did it outrage people by making a mockery of marriage? No my friends, this show is guilty of a far more heinous crime:

It's bad TV.

We all know that everyone on a "reality" TV show knows that they are supposed to play to the camera. (well, everyone except Ozzy, who I don't think even realizes he's on TV.) But the good shows try to edit out all of the "acting" and try to capture people when they let their guard down a bit. That never happens with Anna Nicole. She thinks that because she's gained weight, we'll laugh when we see her raiding the kitchen. She thinks we'll laugh watching her play a vixen. But everything is "look at me! I'm fat and I'm eating! Isn't that funny?!" No, it's just sad.

We are supposed to mock our pseudo-celebrities. But once they try to weasel in on the joke, it just isn't funny anymore.

The Rerun Show

NBC launched a rather unique sitcom last night. The concept of "The Rerun Show" is that they take classic shows from the 70s and 80s and have an ensemble cast recreate the episode using the exact original script, but with additional sight-gags or "reinterpretations" of the dialog thrown in.

What could be more fun than that?

How about a trip to the dentist.

It is embarrassing how awful this show is. It plays out like a bad sketch on In Living Color or Mad TV. Broad, overplayed acting can work in 5-minute bursts, but it's just plain annoying over the course of 30 minutes. The original scripts aren't funny, and the added stuff seems to come from the minds of drunken high school football players. In other words, everything is about sex. Willis has sex with Arnold's study partner: Ha Ha Ha. Keith stuffs towels down his pants: Ha Ha Ha. Mr. Drummond touches his sons inappropriately: Ha H- no wait, that's just disturbing.

There are a few funny moments, like watching a grown man playing 5 year old Tracey Partridge as a demented tambourine banger. Or having "Arnold" carry super-sized props to jokingly make him look shorter. But the gimmick will grow real old, real fast. Let's just hope that it won't last long enough to show Rerun reruns.

I give "The Rerun Show" one slice of cheese. (out of five)