The Rants of Mister P

Christmas List

Best Film: A Christmas Story
Worst Film: The Grinch

Best TV Special: The Year Without a Santa Claus
Worst TV Special: Frosty the Snowman

Best Song (contemporary): Christmas Wrapping
Worst Song (contemporary): Santa Baby

Best Song (traditional): Little Drummer Boy
Worst Song (tradtional): Away in a Manger

Best Urban Tradition: Lighting the Tree, Rockefeller Center
Worst Urban Tradition: Hollywood Christmas Parade

Best Place to Spend the Holidays: New England (Boston excluded)
Worst Place to Spend the Holidays: Los Angeles (southwest in general)

Best Holiday Snack: Peanut Butter Cookies with Hershey Kisses in the middle
Worst Holiday Snack: Candy Canes

Medical Research

Cruftbox is doing some FDA testing, so I decided to assist him. He was trying to figure out which pain relievers dissolve most quickly. Although I hate to waste my precious stash of Vicodin, I figured for the Good Of Science I would do my own research.

My lab consisted of one (1) tablet of 500mg Hydrocodine (generic for Vicodin), one (1) digital stopwatch, and one (1) Bobba Fett "The Empire Strikes Back" Collector's Glass from Burger King.


Time :00 shows the dry tablet. It began to dissolve as soon as the water hit it. As you can see, after 30 seconds it was well on its way to providing eternal glee to its patient. There was little change after that.


It was hard to tell if the entire pill had broken apart or if it was just the outer layer. After 2 minutes I decided to simulate the motion of the stomach by giving the glass a small swirl. Indeed, there was no cohesion to the Vicodinicles. You can only see the small core of the original pill.


CONCLUSION: Vicodin is yummy.

Although I had to abandon my Olympic dreams to do a half-marathon, I was not forgotten; Brad ran in memoriam of my bad foot. I cheered him on as he finished 13.1 miles in just under 36 minutes. Or something like that. Maybe it took longer; I was still asleep when the run started so how would I know? Yay Brad.

Wild Kingdom

Boy, what a crazy weekend I had! First, I found a cute stray kitty cat I decided to adopt.


When I was taking her home, I was chased by a pack of wolves!


I ran as fast as i could into the jungle to escape, only to meet up with a ferocious man-eating tiger!


Fortunately, I was rescued by a family of chimpanzees who raised me as one of their own.


I was finally able to tie a message to hawk to send for help. Phew!

Yasser? No sir?

Will somebody please tell me whether or not we're happy Yasser Arafat is dead? When terrorists die, we're happy. When Nobel Peace Prize winners die, we're sad. Arafat was both so I don't know what to think.

I want the media to tell me how I'm supposed to feel, or at least give me something to rebel against, but I can't find anything.

Depressed

This weekend I was supposed to run a half-marathon with Brad. While some people can hop out of bed and decide on a whim to run 13 miles, this was something I had to work up to. I have been in training for about 3 months, adding a mile every other week until I was up to 12 miles. I should have have stopped at 11.

The human body isn't too bright. If the brain tells it to start running, the legs will just start moving to the best of their ability. They don't know why they're running; as far as they know, they might be running away from a bear. But if the brain tells the legs to run often enough, eventually the body will start to catch on: "hey, wait a minute... there can't be THAT many bears in Los Angeles." The body is much happier just sitting on the couch, and it comes up with a way to prevent itself from having to run: it tears the tendon off of the heel.

That's basically what happened to me... a mild case of Achilles Tendonitis. It is somewhat common amongst beginner runners. The tendon gets bruised because it's not strong enough and it can take weeks to heal. I am not in constant pain, but rather have been in constant discomfort for the past 2 weeks. It is painful to drive however, because pressing the pedals moves the foot in exactly the wrong way. Stay off the roads; I no longer use the brake unless it's absolutely necessary.

A half-marathon would have been a nice accomplishment for the scrawny kid who always got picked last in gym, but it is not to be. Instead, I'm back to doing what I do best: munching down Oreos in front of the TV. What lesson have we learned, kiddies? Don't bother trying to improve yourself. By the time you're 11 or 12, your lot in life has pretty much already been decided. Just stay where you are, and just do what you do. The universe is much more stable when everyone sticks to their assigned roles.

Greatest Link Evar

Click Here

Four More Years

Told ya so.

I hate all the "don't forget to vote" talk. At this point, if you are so stupid that you still need a reminder to vote, I don't want you casting a ballot.

If you don't want to vote, I'm cool with that. Voting is a privilege, and if you choose not to take advantage of it that's your business. Just as you shouldn't be bullied into voting a certain way, you shouldn't be bullied into going to the polls in the first place. Don't let any flag-waving hypocrites force you to do something you dont want to do. One major caveat: if you don't vote because you're too lazy or you don't have the time, screw you. But if you make an honest, deliberate decision not to vote - for whatever reason - two thumbs up baby. That is also your right.