Friday, March 14, 2008

Going Back Down

Oh My God my worst elevator nightmare came true. I had to go down to the first floor to check my mail. When I stepped in the elevator, two old biddies were already inside. Which is fine, I don't have anything against biddies, young or old. We stopped on the 8th floor and an old man came on pushing a stroller with what I assume was his granddaughter. But rather than making room for the stroller, the biddies just bent down to start cooing over the precious little angel. The grandfather had to therefore squeeze himself into the elevator, and in doing so his old man butt hit all of the bottom 2 rows of buttons - floors 1-5. So we had to go listen to

"Fifth floor... Go-wing doiwn"
"Fourth floor... Go-wing doiwn"
"Third floor... Go-wing doiwn"
"Second floor... Go-wing doiwn"
"First floor."

Is there such a thing as elevator rage?


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Thursday, March 06, 2008

Going Down

The elevators in my building have been undergoing renovations, and the first one reopened yesterday. It has fancy new buttons and shiny new LEDs showing each floor. And the elevator actually stops dead even at each floor- there's none of that 1/2" gap that makes you trip when you step out. This is all well and good, but they added another feature as well: it talks.

The elevator (I'll call her "Ellie") announces each floor she stops at, and also tells you which direction she's going after every stop. Ellie has a weird female Boston-British-robot voice. She says "Go-wing doiwn". And she's too loud. I keep wanting to say back "inside voice!" I know better than to get involved with Homeowner Association politics, so I'm hoping other people complain and that we put a muzzle on Ellie. (yes, I'm one of those people who wants "other people" to fix things.)

Before anyone suggests "you should just take the stairs", you should know that I live on the 16th floor. So Ellie and I will be spending a lot of time together.


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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Vacuums Suck, Part II

Five years ago, I bought a new vacuum. I've hated it ever since. It very clearly says that it uses Hoover "Y" bags, but I swear to you the bags don't fit. Every time I have to change the bag I have to twist and contort it to try to cram it on to the pipe thingy. And the "bag bucket" doesn't always lock in place which leaves a gap and ruins the suction.

My mother, who uses the vacuum every time she comes out visit, has no problem with it. (What, you think I let her sit on the couch all day when she visits? No, I put her to work.) Her vacuum at home in Jersey recently broke, and she needs a new vacuum. So rather than buying a vacuum for herself, she's buying me a new one and I'm sending her my old one. There's a certain logic to it.

I bought myself a new Kenmore with something called a "Inteli-Clean System". Basically it's a series of lights that change from red to orange to green to let you know when that section of the floor is clean. I believe that just about anything can be improved by adding blinking lights to it, so it seemed like a cool feature. The problem is that it's really more of a "Nagging-Clean System". I'm single, I live alone, so I pretty much assume that as long as a vacuum rolls over every part of the floor, the floor is clean. but now, the red lights taunt me and say "no, you're not done yet. Go over it again." My OCD won't let me turn off the vacuum on a red light, so I always have to keep on running the thing until it turns green.

It sucks.


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Friday, February 22, 2008

Makes Me Laugh

Is it just me, or does anyone else find this sign a little offensive?

It's like "OK crips, if I can't park in your parking spaces then you'd better stay the hell out of mine!"


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Sunday, February 03, 2008


Is it possible that the best part of the Superbowl was actually... The Game?! We had the underdog Jersey Giants (that's right, you heard me, Jersey) coming from behind in the last minutes to win it. It's like something you'd see in movie. So was there anything more interesting than that? Well let's see. There was the halftime show with... Tom Petty? Are they serious? Didn't he die like 15 years ago or something? Yes, I certainly recognize his contributions to the world of music. But he puts on a BORING show.

Then there were the commercials. And what did Madison Avenue's best and brightest spend $40 million dollars on this year? A talking stain. A puking baby. Richard Simmons on a dark deserted road. Absolutely embarrassing.

Another Superbowl or two like this and I just might become a sports fan.


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