Sunday, November 26, 2006

The Ballad of Billy F.

I went to my 20-Year High School reunion, or as I like to call it, "The 10th Anniversary of my 10-Year Reunion." I am a petty person, and one of the things I was hoping for was to see that some of the jocks were now bald and fat. One of the specific people I wanted to see was Billy F.

Billy F. was straight out of a cheap Hollywood movie. Small-town boy with blonde hair, blue eyes, star quarterback, president of the student council, the works. He was the most popular kid in school whom everyone hated. Or at least my posse hated him. See, you may not believe this but Mister P. wasn't very cool in high school and people like Billy F. really had no reason to speak to people like me. Now then, I want to be clear, I have absolutely no memories of Billy F. EVER being mean to me in any way. He's simply a symbolic archetype.

When I got to the reunion, I told the other Band Fags (yes, that's what they called people in the marching band) that I wanted to see a fat Billy F. They totally understood what I meant. And then, He showed up. Tall. Thin. All of his hair. The people at my table said "well he won't be coming over to see us anyway". But I wanted to knock through the Dork Wall and I said "I'm gonna talk to him." I waited until he was at the bar so I'd have an excuse to come up to him. (I know it sounds ridiculous, but you sort of slip into old roles at these reunions. I wanted to break free of that.) I bravely went up to the bar and ordered a drink, but because the music was loud and I had been screaming, I had lost my voice. I wasn't about to say hello to the star quarterback with a crackling pre-pubescent voice, so I choked and went back to my table.

About an hour later, my voice was a bit rested and Billy was back at the bar. I went up again and this time said hello. I was overly honest and told him point blank "I was hoping you'd be bald and fat, but you're not". I'm not sure he understood, but so what. He did remember me going way back to our elementary school days together: "you were really into dinosaurs!" Great. Not exactly a cool way to be remembered, but I wasn't exactly cool to begin with. The important thing is that a Band Fag let go of 20 years of resentment and chatted with the Quarterback.

I still wish he was fat. Stupid Billy F.

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