The Rants of Mister P

A 747 made an emergency landing today in Manchester England after an engine failed during take-off from LAX.

In other news, tomorrow I fly to Utah for my annual ski trip. I wanted to bring some ski or snow-related movies to watch in the condo at night, and I came across this gem:



"Horror hits the slopes in this sexy slasher film about a gang of snowboarders on a one-way chair lift to terror! When seven hot-blooded coeds break into an abandoned ski lodge, the stage is set for a wild weekend of hot partying and heavy powder. But when the bodies start turning up they begin to suspect they're not alone. Stalked by a psychotic skier, the gang soon discovers that on the slopes...no one can hear you scream!"

It's gonna be freakin' awesome. Dude.

Strike Two

A couple weeks ago, me and Dutch drove up to nearby Mt. Baldy to go skiing. We got there in about an hour, only to find out that high winds had closed them down for the day. Crud.

Today, we drove back up. There was a torrential rainstorm in L.A., which meant a torrential snowstorm up in the mountains. It was a pretty rainy drive most of the way. The snow level was supposed to drop to 5000 feet, and I swear to you right as we passed the sign that said "Elevation 500 feet" it was suddenly snowing. Hard. Cool. Snow makes for slippery roads, but we were prepared with chains for the tires. Or so we thought. Long story short, we couldn't get them working properly and spent probably an hour in the cold and wet trying to make them go. We inched our way up hill to the point where we could see the sign that read "Mt. Baldy 400 feet ahead". That sounds really close but it might as well been 400 miles ahead. We had to turn around and go home.

The mountain has defeated us twice, without us even getting our skiis on. But we shall win the war in the end. The mountain shall be ours.

Guardian of the Infinite Abyss

Does a movie have to make you laugh to be funny? It sounds like an odd question, but after seeing "Garden State" I think it's valid. The movie does have some traditional humor, but more importantly there are a lot of non-laughing funny things in it. For example, in what is basically a throw-away line, a secondary character mentions that he invented Silent Velcro. That's funny. Not in a "guy getting kicked in the groin" sort of way, but in a "wow, imagine a world with silent velcro" way. It's funny. Garden State has great random moments like this throughout the entrie film. Maybe I only liked it because it's about a guy from L.A. going back home to New Jersey.

This wouldn't be the Rants of Mister P. without some complaining, and Garden State does have some faults:
1. Natalie Portman. Her character is sort of like Smurfette. As a compulsive liar. Auditioning for American Idol. Just something about her is buggin'.
2. The film falls apart in the last 10 minutes. This movie is best when it focuses on the characters and we get to see them just going through their day. But near the end, it's like all of a sudden they have to throw in a bunch of plot to wrap everything up. It's OK for a film not to have closure. Especially one like this.
3. The music. For some reason, the filmmakers couldn't figure out how to end a scene other than to fade up some dramatic profound song for 20 seconds. I guess they were just trying to create a profitable soundtrack. It can work for one or two scenes, but not ten.

I'm glad I saw Garden State shortly after Napoleon Dynamite, because in many ways they are similar films. Cetainly Napoleon is more indie than Garden, but both films are relatively small releases featuring slices of life from quirky characters. The difference is that Garden State does it well.

The art world was shocked this week when two paintings of "Dogs Playing Poker" fetched (pun intended) almost $600,000. Comedienne Caroline Rhea called the paintings "The Bona Lisa". I think the better joke is to call it "The Mona Leasha".

Agree?

My vet is a moron.

I have an old, sick cat. Among other problems, she has hyperthyroidism which causes weight loss. It is a big struggle for me to get her to eat; I easily throw out 3 cans of food for every one can she eats. So it was very frustrating at her vet appointment today to be told she's lost significant weight again.

The cat weighed in at 5 pounds, 12 ounces. The vet brought up her chart on the computer, and showed me the line dropping down from 5.8 lbs last time to 5.12 lbs today. Wait a minute. If she's 5 pounds 12 ounces, in decimal form that's 5.75 lbs. The vet could not understand this concept. He put her back on the digital scale, which clearly read "5 lbs 12 oz", then pointed to "5.12" on the computer. I tried to tell him 12 ounces is 3/4 of a pound, so he needs to enter it as 5.75. He sort of patronized me a bit and said "well we still have a slight loss... see, 5.8 to 5.75." I asked him what the 5.8 meant. He said 5 lbs, 8 ounces. Again I tried to explain that the reading should be then be entered as 5.5 lbs, meaning my cat GAINED a quarter pound (which is significant on a 6 pound animal.) The assistant seemed to sort of understand what I was saying, and the best solution they could offer me was that they would call the company that wrote the computer software for an explanation.

I think I should take my cat to Canada where they have better health care. Or at least understand 6th grade math.

Valentine's Day

Five Love Songs That Aren't Romantic At All:

1. The Greatest Love Of All
2. All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You
3. Love The One You're With
4. Paradise By The Dashboard Light
5. She Bop

Random

If I had the chance would I ask the world to dance?

No.

The Procter & Gamble Company
PO Box 599
Cincinnati, OH 45201, USA

Dear Crest:

Your new "Refreshing Vanilla Mint" toothpaste is delicious! Unfortunately, that isn't a good thing. It has the same texture and flavor as vanilla cake frosting. Now believe me, I LOVE frosting but I don't want to brush my teeth with it. I had to use another tube to get the vanilla flavor out of my mouth. If you need to use toothpaste to get rid of the taste of toothpaste, something is wrong.

Maybe for my next birthday I'll use the Vanilla Crest to decorate my cake. But as far as my daily brushing is concerned, you missed the boat on this one.

Sincerely,


Mister P.

Napoleon Dynamite

Several people recommended the movie "Napoleon Dynamite", but I can't remember who they were. I want to find out, so I can hunt them down like the filthy pigs they are. I mean, come on, what was that crap?! I want to say that the film has the redeeming quality of at least being short (90 minutes), but it still felt like an eternity sitting through it. Newsflash: "quirky" does not mean funny. Nor good.

When I find out who suggested this movie, they will rue the day they cross my path again. Do you hear me?! I say RUE!

Must be something in the air

If this commercial doesn't make you cry, then I don't even want to know you:

Singapore Commercial (2.2MB, Quicktime)